That day...
I was honestly at a very low point... there were too many things happening at the same time, and I wasn't handling it properly.
I also want to explain something about the things I said that day...
“I will never share anything with you.”
“I won't tell you anything anymore.”
I didn't actually mean that I wanted to stop sharing things with you or that I wanted you out of my life. I said those things because I was hurt and angry.
Somewhere in my head, I thought that even if I said those things in anger... you wouldn't actually let me go through everything alone. I thought you would stop me somehow... tell me that you're still there, especially when I was already at my lowest.
But when you eventually agreed with what I was saying... honestly, it felt a little odd to me. Because I was the one saying those things, but somewhere inside I was expecting you to hold me back from saying them.
And then everything just went more downhill from there... and I handled those feelings badly.
And that's where I know I was wrong... because instead of calmly telling you that I was hurt and explaining what was actually going on inside my head, I shouted at you.
You've warned me about this before too... and I know that makes it even worse.
Honestly, during this phase... I really wanted someone to be patient with me.
When I'm at 0% or really low, I sometimes need someone physically beside me... someone close to me who can make me feel that things aren't completely falling apart.
Going out with my friends made me feel a little better... but that doesn't mean I stopped caring about you, or that I was suddenly okay with everything between us.
And I understand something else too... asking you to be patient with me doesn't mean asking you to tolerate me shouting at you.
I can't promise that I'll never feel overwhelmed again... life will still have problems... and sometimes I'll still be at 0%.
But I can promise that I'll try my best not to take that frustration out on you.
I was really upset and confused that day... but that shouldn't become an excuse.
I'm sorry, Licku...
Not because I want you to stop being upset, but because I genuinely understand why you are.
